Here is my heart.  Her name is Charlotte.

MY GIRL

SHE IS SOMETHING

There are so many blessings that Patrick and I find in the day when CHARLOTTE left this earth.  For starters, we were together for the first time in almost a month.  You see, we'd perfected 'crossing in the night' as I called it.  Daddy was either working or with Charlotte or Patrick while I was always with the other baby.  It wasn't until that fateful Wednesday which we were actually together with Charlotte at the hospital.  Blessing number one.  Number 2, was that our Sweet Charlotte drew her last breath with us by her side.  And as much of a rug-pulled-out-from-under-you type of situation that her exit was, we are comforted knowing that she was healthy.  She was ready to go home.  We weren't busy chasing her life down like we had on so many other days.  Rather, she was perfectly poised, coiffed and ready to leave, with her "healthy" heart.  It's just a different homecoming than we had imagined.  This third reason gives us peace most of all - the fact that her heart just stopped after having given no warning.  In reviewing her vitals from the day, it showed not one single stitch of anything amiss.  Nada.  Zilch.  Zero.  It was as if God simply declared it as being "time."  And that's just what He did.  No warning but just about 4 to 5 seconds from when her heart was beating to when it stopped. 

It was only a couple of days later that I realized that she had drawn her last breath with her Daddy and I by her side.  Granted, she left this earth hearing her Mommy "calling" for help but I think that only added to her peace, as she had grown accustomed to my "encouraging" over her short life.  

Naturally, the medical team afforded Charlotte with every opportunity as they hurriedly executed every. last. detail. of her life-saving efforts.  It was like an orchestra performing - hitting every note just perfectly - and yet, it was God's orchestration that they were following.  With every effort, though,  (medicines, chest compressions and the final attempt at saving Charlotte, ECMO) the door was always closed.  It was not in His plan.  So later when I asked what time did she leave this earth, it was answered "officially" at 7:03 pm, although we all knew she died an hour before.

I will never forget the compassion shown that night to my daughter...to me...to my husband.  We had never actually gotten to hold our sweet and precious baby without her being hooked up to some IV line, sensor, tube or cuff.  And as bittersweet as it was, we finally had the opportunity that night thanks to the heart of Dr. Mendeloff.  An effort not many would have gone as far to do.  He has always been at the top of our list for being Dr. Wonderful, so this only further solidifies his title.  Additionally, the team of individuals at Medical City who we'd grown to know and love, offered such support.  Through their presence to their words, hugs and tears of love for Charlotte to their unmatched talent.  Everyone should be as blessed with a group like this in their corner.

I'm sure that with time I will learn how to mesh my two worlds into one and learn to be my happy, naturally caffeinated self while still missing my Charlotte.  And I imagine that not a day will pass on this side of heaven when I won't think about her.  She has touched the lives of many, but mainly mine.  I'm not sure exactly how I'll honor her justly but I hope that she is proud because simply put, she is something AMAZING.

FOOTLOOSE

It goes without saying that we were all dancing on air when our sweet family of four finally got to meet not long ago.  Although brief, it was amazing.  Our family was together.  Little P was singing and dancing, Mommy and Daddy were being, well, Mommy and Daddy...and Sweet Charlotte was just being a perfect baby, soaking it all in.  Take a look at who was carefree and loving life, but who could blame him?  This moment is permanently stored in my bank of life's greatest moments, right behind marrying my husband and meeting my children when they were born.  Thank God for answered prayers.

SWEET THANKS

I am officially a cookie lover.  Thanks to my MIL's hard work, I am also a cookie making machine.  In parts, we made cookies for our sweet staff at Medical City's CHSU (Congenital Heart Surgical Unit)...in  preparation for Charlotte's homecoming.  We still gifted the unit with our thanks for loving Sweet Charlotte, but this time, with my darling girl's monogram.  If only...

The Lord is near to those who are broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.  

Psalm 34:18

I WILL FOLLOW

It's hard to answer when people ask how I'm doing.  On one hand, my days are mostly spent playing with cars and trucks, reading books and making "cracker sandwiches."  (If only Little P would eat more than crackers and air.)  But on the other, I grieve the loss of our Sweet Charlotte.  She is gone and now we stand here as the wind rushes by, and life begins to "settle down."  But what if I don't want it to? 

It's not up to us to decide.  Just to follow.  And trust.  And I'm okay with that.  Though I wish that my girl were here with us to experience all that is our life together.  To hear big brother's screams of joy, take in the familiar smells that are our house, to hear the birds chirping and Bear barking...to have to squint from sunshine.  I wanted her to taste life but I have to remember that she did.  She felt the incredible love her of her parents, the compassion of her medical team, the peace of God's love as He cradled her.  Although Charlotte experienced a lifetime of struggle, she lived a good life, always surrounded by His love and those who continue to carry her in our hearts.

CHARLOTTE'S TREE

My best friends gifted us with "Charlotte's Tree" which is a continued source of my peace.  She will always be with us but her tree is a living reminder of her incredible spirit.  It's a crape myrtle and will bloom in pink.  And, oddly, a little birdie has claimed it as its own.  It sings and sings and sings every morning.  I would like to think that it's my SWEET CHARLOTTE singing her song.  She didn't get her voice from her mother though...that's for sure.