LOST IN TRANSLATION

It happened again, but this time I was at the park leaving a group play date.  I happened to walk out behind a friend of a friend whose question didn't necessarily catch me off guard but it left me at a loss for words.  

Not having had face time on the playground with this new friend, I didn't have the opportunity to share that I had another baby, not just Patrick.  So when she asked while we were loading kiddos in cars, I realized that not every time is the right time.  

I am best when I have a few minutes to explain CHARLOTTE.  She's not just my daughter who is in heaven.  She's so much more and in an effort to serve her, I sometimes discriminate against situations.  Had we backed up just a few minutes prior and found ourselves in the same position, I would have LOVED to share.  Rather we were hurried, trying to beat the clock before kids melted down.  Dirty diapers, tollway traffic and a hunger meltdown doesn't necessarily equal a "good time" for me to introduce my darling Charlotte into my new friend's world.  Just as soon as I would have said that Char has since passed away, I would have had to say "later."  I guess to some that's okay, but to me I feel like I'm doing her a disservice.  To me, there is so much more to her life than a quick few sentences before speeding off in my car leaving a trail of dust...and no explanation of Charlotte's incredible life. 

Other parents who have lost children may disagree but to me - right now - I understand Charlotte's life as too precious to not get to explain her, if even for 3 minutes.  So when I found myself in this situation, I chose otherwise.  But even one time, is one time too many not being able to share with the world the wonderful who is my daughter Charlotte.

BROTHER LOVE

 Nothing warms my heart more than seeing P remember Charlotte in his own way.  He absolutely loves to water her tree.  In part, I'm sure it's due to the fact that there's a hose, with water coming out of it, but when he asks to water Char's tree, I happily oblige. 

FLITTER, FLITTER, FLY

Charlotte's incredible spirit made itself known yet once again, and this time in Stillwater, OK.  Home of Mommy's alma mater and nearly 60,000 fans during the OSU vs TX game last Saturday night.  One of my dear childhood girlfriends noticed a butterfly fluttering in front of her, despite the chaos which was that of the game all around.  It was when it kept hovering around her that she texted me and asked, "I mean who sees a butterfly on the 50 yard line of T. Boone Pickens stadium?"  My thoughts exactly.  

I SEE HEARTS

I see them everywhere.  Quite possibly I'm the only one who can make out the sometimes faint shape of a heart, but nonetheless I see it.  Take for instance Sunday night at the Rangers game.  As the sun was setting, I looked up and saw a heart in the clouds and felt the love of my Charlotte.  And as I went to upload Sunday night's picture, I saw this one of Patrick on his first day of school not long ago.  Our wreath is usually fluffed out in all of its round glory but its new shape caught my attention.  These and many others are pieces of happiness...they are pieces of her.

LOVE, GOD

My best friend texted me this picture not long ago.  Yet again I was somewhat startled when I saw it because frankly speaking, I'd not heard of another Charlotte Rose.  Coincidence?  Probably so, yes, but I like to think that is another heaven sent moment from Him to me.  Word.

FOR THE LOVE OF CHARLOTTE

Until earlier this summer, Patrick and I hadn't been back to Medical City since Charlotte had passed away.  Well, once in the week after her departure to deliver cookies to the staff (a gift intended to be given on "check out" day) but we sat in the car as my mother made the delivery for us.  I wanted to go but opted otherwise to avoid the elephant in the room type of situation.  The elephant in this scenario would be nothing short of beautiful and flawless, as is my Charlotte, but not wanting to stand awkwardly in the CHSU, I stayed in the car.  So when Charlotte's NICU roomie was having his second heart surgery not long ago, it was decided to drop off lunch for his family.  I was at a meeting so my sweet husband and son were tasked with the job.  Honestly, I didn't expect to run up there, as nap time usually dictates my daily schedule.  There was simply not enough time between the lunch hour and P's nap, however sometimes life has a different way of working out.  

My boys were just finishing up their own lunch in the lobby of the children's tower, so I headed over to pick up Patrick Jr. and race home.  I'd been there no longer than 3 seconds, and with just enough time to be informed by my 2 year old that I couldn't share his mac n cheese, when I looked up and saw Charlotte's nurses.  It just so happened to be two of my FAVS.  I'm quite certain that I became the world's greatest long jumper that day as it took me all of one leap to reach them.  And from then on, the floodgates opened as the team of doctors and nurses who so lovingly took care of Charlotte emerged from a classroom.  Dr. Mendeloff's right hand woman, Dr. Stromberg and our other "favorites" - all so many familiar faces which happened to be in the lobby.  They were just leaving a training class and although I missed seeing Dr. M and a few others, we hit the motherload that day.  

To be at Med City made my heart happy.  I'd always wanted to go back but short of showing up to work a shift in the CHSU (ha!), I really didn't have a reason to go.  Had I known how therapeutic it would be, I would have shown up much sooner.  We were happy, happy and happier.  Everyone there was just smiling as we caught up and remembered Charlotte.  I'm not sure that I had realized before then just how much I missed everyone.  What a gift from Him as we happened upon our very own little reunion. 

I'm excited to share that thanks to recent research and our very own Charlotte, the CHSU is implementing yet another check in the checks and balances system already established.  The EEG is a test which marks brain activity and will do so in a child who has HLHS both before and after surgeries, attempting to intercede a potential seizure like the one Charlotte had which led to cardiac arrest.  The medical study linked children with HLHS and seizures which, until now, had not been so.  To know that babies like Charlotte will benefit thanks in part to her life, makes me burst with happiness...thankfulness...pride.  Charlotte's sweet life wasn't spared, but her legacy will live on.

FLOATING

This past weekend a butterfly landed on my shirt - a first - and then a short time later, off it went into the distance.  I stood there awhile watching it float away, all the while wondering where she was going.  I felt like saying, "come back!  you just got here," but yet she had other plans.  So I thanked Him for the little piece of hope that had landed on my shirt - and heart - for just a moment.

Later, I happened across what I would only imagine having ordered for an event for Charlotte, whether it be a baptism, birthday, or homecoming!  To be honest, it took me by surprise.  I stared, stunned almost, looking at the little girl's sweet silhouette...her pony tail...her name and I couldn't help but smile.  And wonder, of course.